Bosoms, bosoms

I found this hand-written poem tucked inside my second-hand copy of The Penguin Book of Contemporary Verse. Unsurprisingly it is anonymous (as much as I would like to say it is my own genius). Many congratulations to the poet, who has technically met with fame at last.

Bosoms, bosoms, bouncing, bare

Down the bush paths everywhere

What immortal hand or eye

Framed thy matchless symmetry?

Bosoms vast and bosoms trim,

Bosoms sleek and bosoms firm,

Bosoms large and bosoms tiny,

Bosoms warm and round and shiny,

Bosoms petite and bosoms bold,

Bosoms pendulous and cold.

Sugar plums and acid drops

Naafi teacups, razor strops

What a study in the nude,

Overpowering, rather rude.

O, to see again one fair

Damsel, in a brassiere!

ANON.

Driving Advising

I recently took a trip up to the north, which is a considerable journey so I feel I have seen a great enough representation of our nation’s driving abilities to generalize a little. Some advice is in order.

Please indicate when you wish to change lanes. Please don’t change lanes abruptly/dangerously. Please don’t throw apple cores/cigarette ends out of your window. Please don’t pick your nose visibly. Please refrain from placing large, bare, hairy feet on the dashboard by the window. Please do not play drum and bass at full volume. Please remove all nodding-dogs, hats and boxes of tissues from your parcel shelf. Please do not park your car on a bend of a fast road. Please do not ride bicycles in the middle of the road/veer sporadically into the middle of the road. When you stop for a lunch break, please look around before you start reversing into your parking spot and please take care not to urinate on the seat in the service station (girls, seriously what is going on?). Please migrate into the middle lane when cars are joining the motorway at a junction. Please move out of the middle lane if you are not overtaking cars in the left-hand lane. Please do not overtake in the wrong lanes – if these things are happening, the motorway is being used incorrectly. Please try not to lose a bag/shoe/jumper out of your window – I have never seen this happen but am curious to know how these objects end up on the edge of the road. Please stop at all red lights (taxis and buses, you are no exception). Please go at green lights. If you are not in a vehicle, please do not run out into the middle of the road. And finally, I would recommend that you please review the Highway Code.