1 = ought
to be banned from the use of public places/generally leaving the house
10 = a perfect
unobtrusive shopping companion
Group #1
Any
man/woman with a pram and/or any other small children. A large group of offenders
who struggle (in vain) to control their herds of children so that in turn they
do not notice quite how much they are getting in everyone else’s way with their
silly state-of-the-art-and-over-priced push chairs and mass of Marks and
Spencer’s shopping bags.
6/10 – to
be fair, it’s not entirely their fault.
Group #2
Scores of
children who I’m sure ought to be at school. Life qualifications besides the
GCSEs they are not getting include:
-
A
strong commitment to the cause and to generally gaining the attention of those
surrounding them.
-
Enthusiasm
and encouragement – creating a lot of noise and getting everybody involved.
-
The
ability to work well in a team.
-
Reliability.
They will always be there.
2/10 – if
you are aware of your children/siblings doing this, please lock them up.
Group #3
Slow
walkers. PLEASE. We are here because we have things to do today, not tomorrow.
4/10 – only
because I feel this might be a slightly hypocritical judgement, otherwise it
would be 1.
Group #4
Meanderers.
Probably the worst category to be anywhere near. We’ve all encountered them.
They’re the ones that make you look like an idiot – they walk at exactly the
same pace as you and just slightly in front of you. You have to do an awkward
skip/jog/walk to overtake and just at the crucial moment when you’re almost
parallel to them, they swerve into the bloody fast lane and cut you up for
everyone to see. Piss off, nobody wants you here.
0/10 – and
only because my scale doesn’t go lower than that.
Group #5
The young
professionals. General busy-bodies who think they’re worlds ahead of you just
because they have a briefcase and a take-out coffee. More often than not they
can be found talking slightly more loudly than is necessary into their company telephones
and they walk with a distinct air of arrogance. One day I will knock into you
and spill your coffee.
You score
6/10 – in their defence, they have actually got a job so they’re currently doing
better than me.
Group #6
Weird
unnecessary hands-free phone people. Two types – those who talk into headsets
and those who listen to music out loud. Yeah you walk down the street with all
that swag and your magic phone but you don’t realize that you listen to shit
music and you look like twat.
4/10 – it’s
so bizarre that they might have a social disorder so I feel bad scoring any
lower than that.
Group #7
Charity
workers/general do-gooders. They make you feel inadequate not only because you
are not volunteering like they are, but also because you can’t afford to donate
£1 a month to those less fortunate than you, despite the fact you are out on an
entirely self-indulgent shopping spree with money that is not your own and is
meant to be spent on food and rent.
9/10 –
because I am projecting self-hatred onto good people.
Moral of
the story is: go back to the library.
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